I wanted to take a moment in my busy schedule to welcome you to your new surroundings. Heck, I wanted to do this so much I am going on four hours of sleep instead of six when I have a 7 am flight to catch......because I really want to do this. See, you need to be welcomed into your new world a.k.a. as AFC East. This is a far different world than you are used to in near-tropical Mississippi of the Frozen Tundera of Lambeau Field. So I wanted to welcome you.
Out of the kindness of my heart, I will present you with a brief overview of the occupants of your new hood. That or I want to punish you and the media for creating a 40 day opera out of your garbage way to get out of Sconnie, I forget which. We'll start with Miami. Don Johnson is no longer the King Johnson, Dwayne is. Mercury Morris is still a cokehead who needs to get his ass whooped but he doesn't play defensive back so you don't need to worry about him. Jason Taylor's dancin' in Washington, so you will have pulled this I quit / not I don't quit crap three more times before the Dolphins are even back to mediocre.
Buffalo, a city on a nice big lake. Maybe a bit like your old friends Detroit. But you see Brett, we don't play nice in the northeast like they do in the midwest. You won't get greeted by Viking Mascots, Cheesheads, or other polite midwesterners. If you're fortunate, they'll stick to snowballs. 20 degrees and 40 miles per hour winds are not as pleasant when the home crowd doesn't worship you, so I thought i would let you know because you're in a good mood.
Your new home fans will call you Broadway Brett, Brett. Until you throw five intereceptions in a game. Then they will give you a more traditional New York / New Jersey salute, you know the one where you think they've lost four fingers. You like to improvise on the football field. But guess what Brett, your c-list actor doughboy coach does not. He is systematic. And he knows defense, I'll give him that. But offense isn't his thing, and he's the boss. And you're under a far less forgiving microscope know, but we've discussed that.
Finally the last team and neighboor in your new hood. New England Patriots. No team plays less nice than ours. I'm tired of writing this welcome letter, so let's get right to the point. September 14 and November 13, your sorry ass is ours. And no we're not helping you find the southern fried Wisconsin Cheese sticks. Welcome to hell.